D. STEPS TO CONFESSION
D1. Examination Of Conscience
The examination of conscience is the first step to confession. However, in order to do this well, we need the grace of enlightenment and humility from God so we can see our sins clearly and accept them with humility. Without these graces, the examination of conscience will be a futile exercise. Therefore, in practice, the first step must be to pray for these graces and then, do the examination of conscience.
The examination must be facilitated by books on confession where detailed questions on the violation of the Ten Commandments are specified to guide the penitent on the possible sins he might have committed. These detailed questions are based on the Catechism of the Catholic Church. With the grace of enlightenment, one can see the sins as real matter for conscience and not reject them as no sins at all. With the grace of humility, one accepts those sins as his own and not deny them with his pride. Humility also helps us to consider something sinful based on the authority of the Church even though we may not completely understand it since we are not experts in moral philosophy or moral theology. In the same manner that we readily accept the judgment of the doctor concerning our health though we also don't comprehend it because we don't have the expertise on those matters, the consideration of certain acts to be sinful based on the authority of the Church should also be readily accepted not only because they are the experts on those matters but most importantly because of the authority given to them by God.
Pride is the most dangerous enemy of the soul. It is the cancer of the soul. It was the reason our first parents Adam and Eve committed original sin. That was the reason Lucifer, a great angel, became a devil. Pride makes man blind to the truth and consequently, makes him stupid. Have you seen two people having an argument? Once their pride is hurt, expect that their debate would lead to nowhere but to a quarrel. When pride is hurt, one starts to close his mind to the truth and rejects everything his opponent says. The same is true of the other adversary if his pride overwhelms him. One of the most illustrious example of this is the case of the pharisees. During the time of Christ, it was very clear to the pharisees that when a person performs a miracle, that person must be a man of God. That was so because their history tells them of the many prophets God sent them who performed many miracles to prove their being men of God. However, in spite of the several and various miracles Christ had done, the pharisees refused to believe in Him. Christ had already made the lame walk, the deft hear, the blind see and the dead rise from death. He even made the dead rise three times, and yet, they didn't believe Him. Why??..because of their pride. They were envious of Him. Before He came, people were following the pharisees as their teachers. But when Jesus came, people began following Him because they believed in His miracles and the pharisees felt left out by the people. For this reason, they rejected Him.
Pride can make us stupid too. Another prominent example of this also comes from the pharisees. When our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, the pharisees asked Pilate to give them soldiers to guard the tomb of Jesus. They told Pilate that they must put guards on His tomb because they fear that the disciples of Christ might steal His body and thus proclaim to the people that He has risen from the dead, and the next impostor would be worst than Him. However, Pilate did not agree with them and told the pharisees to use the guards he already gave them before. Thus, the pharisees sent those soldiers who had long served them to guard the tomb. When Sunday came, the tomb were opened and Christ rose from the dead. The soldiers were terrified by the scene and went to the pharisees to tell what happened. When the pharisees heard it, what was their reaction? They bribed the soldiers and told them to speak not the truth but spread the lie that the disciples of Christ stole His body while they were sleeping. The soldiers disagreed and said that they would be punished severely if they were caught sleeping on their job. But the pharisees insisted and convinced them to take the bribe. Hmm!! Isn't this stupidity? If Jesus had risen, then, therefore He is the Christ, the Son of God. Hence, He is truly God! Then why would you oppose Christ who is God Himself, if you are not stupid! They had trained for years to become a pharisee in order to serve God. Their duty was to prepare the people for the coming of Christ. But now that Christ is here, they don't want to worship Him because they were blinded and made stupid by their pride. Up to the present time, the Jewish people are still waiting for the coming of the Messiah, the Christ, the Anointed One because that rumor had spread throughout the centuries to the Jews.
May I then repeat that we need to pray for the grace of enlightenment and humility in order to make the examination of conscience well so we can see our sins clearly and accept them sincerely before God.
D2. Contrition
After doing the examination of conscience, we need to be contrite for our sins. Without contrition, sins cannot be forgiven. One cannot make a pretense in confession and have your sins forgiven. If one tries to fake confession for vain glory or just make a bluff, forgiveness of sins does not only become invalid but one even adds another sin of sacrilege to himself. No matter how sincere the priest prayed the prayer of absolution for the forgiveness of your sins, even if the priest is crying his heart out to forgive your sins, the forgiveness is invalid. You may deceive the priest but not God. Without contrition, your sins cannot be forgiven. If a person bribes the priest to obtain forgiveness of sins, not only are his sins left unforgiven but a sin of bribery of sacrilegious nature is even imputed to his soul. Contrition is necessary for the forgiveness of sins.
There are only two kinds of contrition which are valid in confession. One is due to fear of the Lord, the fear that you will be punished by God which is an imperfect contrition. Fear of the Lord is one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. It is a sign of one's respect to the power and majesty of God. The other one is due to love of God which is a perfect contrition. One is sad to have offended God because of his love for God. Even though fear of the Lord is a selfish reason and may seem to be negative, it is sufficient for the forgiveness sins since God, in His boundless affection, understands our fault and misery. Both kinds of contrition have to consist in the nature of a supernatural order : something to do with God. If contrition were only based on a natural order like I am sorry because I will be penalized by the offended party for the wrongdoing I caused, that contrition won't be valid and therefore, the sin wouldn't be forgiven.
D3. Purpose of Amendment
Purpose of amendment is the intention or desire to change or amend one's way. This is the measure of sincerity of one's contrition. A person who is truly contrite wants to amend his ways. That is, if it is possible to go back in time I would have not done it. To illustrate, let me give you the example I normally present to my class. “A student borrows a ball pen from his classmate. After a week , his classmate forgets about it and the student then decided to keep it. Later on, he regretted what he did and went to confession and told his sin to the priest. The priest gave him his penance which is to return the ball pen. After hearing the penance, he said to the priest , father I do feel sorry for my sin, however, his pen is really very sleek that I don't like to return it – can you just give me another penance.” Then, the student does not have true contrition. What he feels is just mere sentimentalism, the sentimentalism of having a very good friend to whom he unjustly offended without any justifiable reason and therefore feels guilty about it but does not really want to make reparations for it.
Contrition is not necessarily measured by the amount of tears you shed after feeling sorry for your sins. Neither is it measured by the intense feeling of remorse after the examination of conscience is done, though many times, it can be the basis. I know of someone who said that he feels sad whenever the thought comes to mind that his parents are very old and will die in the very near future. Some nostalgic and melancholic feeling occurs to him when such thought comes. However, whenever his parents will confront him to give advice concerning his faults, he would turn around and leave at once without their permission. That is quite rude. A son who loves his parents will never do that. The sadness that he feels whenever he thinks that his parents would soon pass away does not really come from his love of his parents but the result of pure sentimentalism. It is very natural to have such sentimental feelings for one's parents but that is not necessarily love for them.
I know another man who feels very sentimental about his family during Christmas time. Every Christmas season he would try to come back home to enjoy being with his children and his wife. But right after Christmas, he will immediately go back to his mistress never to appear again during the year but only on the birthday of his favorite child. Naturally because of our culture, Christmas is a time for the family and not for the mistress. It is a time where most families are together and big family reunions take place. Thus, there is that wonderful sentimental feeling of being with the family during Christmas time. That great longing of his to being with his family during Christmas is not due to his love for his family but comes from pure sentimentalism. If he truly loves his family, he would not leave them for his mistress. The reason he has a mistress is because he believes that that is the natural order of things : that a married man should normally have a second wife or even a third if he desires so and therefore he doesn't feel guilty at all about his mischief. He has justified his misdeeds by abiding to that philosophy.
D4. Confession To The Priest
After having done the examination of conscience, contrition, and purpose of amendment, one is totally ready to confess to the priest. Only when all these steps are properly done can one validly receive the sacrament of confession, otherwise, he will not forgiven.
How does one say his sins properly to the priest? To tell the sins properly, he needs to speak clearly, in concise manner, concretely, and completely.
Normally, a penitent is ashamed to tell his sins to the priest mostly if he has not gone to confession for a very long time. Because of this, he tends to hide his sins and speaks in whispers or confusingly. The devil is quite good in doing this trick to us. Actually, at the moment a person is facing temptations, the devil tries to deceive him by telling him not to be ashamed of the wrongdoing he is about to do. He tries to convince him that it is just normal to commit that sin. Moreover, everybody is doing it anyway and so why be ashamed. He would even call him foolish because everyone has already done it and he is the only one who has not done it yet. Tricked with this deception and with his pride hurt, he then does it. After the commission of sin, he realizes how bad he was for doing that sin. He felt really guilty and decided to go to confession. Once he goes to the confessional box the devil tries to give him his second trick. He tries to convince him this time that his sin is something very shameful and he should not tell it to the priest or else the priest will condemn him for it, or he will get very angry at him, or the devil will tell the penitent anything that will stop him from telling his sins to the priest. He might also convince him that no one of his classmates will speak about it and he is the only guy foolish enough to mention it in the confession. Again fooled by his pride and the devil, he won't say it. Let us not be deceived by the devil anymore. Let us put things right once and for all. Tell your sins straight to the priest with humility and admit your guilt and you will gain your peace.
Try to tell your sins in a concise a manner. Don't beat around the bush. Go straight to the point and speak of your sins briefly. Stop narrating stories which are not necessary and does not add any color to the gravity of your sins. Here is an example of not being concise: “Father, last Saturday, I was alone at home and I was doing nothing. So I decided to watch tv. It was around 3 in the afternoon when I pull the drawer and saw some pornographic dvd and got curious. I decided to watch it only for 2 minutes out of curiosity. But then while watching it I got hooked to it and finished the film in 2 hours. Because I couldn't resist it anymore, I masturbated. I am sorry for this sin.” To be concise, you just need to say “father I watched a pornographic movie for 2 hours and did masturbation once.”, that is how brief it should be. By being concise you shorten the agony of telling your sins and you don't waste the time of the priest.
Be concrete in confessing your sins to the priest. You should not speak in general terms like I committed an impure sin or I have sinned against the 4th commandment. Be specific in stating your sins. So if you did an impure sin, specify it such as masturbation, rape, peep, watch pornographic film, etc.
Finally, tell your sins completely. Say those details that would add to the gravity of your sins. Say how many times you have done them so that the priest will know whether the sin was just an incident and not a habit. The person you offended may also be important. Telling lies to a classmate is different from telling lies to your parents. Mentioning the amount of money you stole is also necessary to evaluate if the sin is mortal or venial.
To recapitulate, sins should be mentioned clearly, concisely, concretely and completely.
D5. Penance
Never leave the priest without knowing clearly what you ought to do to make reparation for your sins. Penance is our participation in the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ on the Cross for the reparation of our sins. It is not us who really pay for the sins we did but our Lord Jesus Christ Himself who paid for them when He died on the Cross. The penance we do is just a mere participation. Once we received the penance, we ought to do it at once as a sign of our true contrition and not unnecessarily delay it. If the penance cannot be done immediately but we intend to do it later and we want to receive communion the soonest possible, then we proceed to receive communion and do the penance later.
Normally, the priest asks us to pray some vocal prayers like Our Father, Hail Mary or Glory Be as penance for the sins committed. These are some of the best prayers we can say to God.
Prayers are like music to God. A song or music is pleasing when the lyrics are meaningful and if the tune is nice. In comparison with music, a prayer is also pleasing to God if the message is good and the disposition of the heart is one of humility and gratitude. However, no matter how beautiful the song is, it won't be pleasant to hear if the singer does not sing it with his heart and soul. As Paul Simon of American Idol would describe it, a singer may sound very karaoke - without feeling the song. The same thing happens with prayer. If the one praying does not put his mind and heart into it, if the one praying does not mean what he prays, does not pray with a sincere heart but only utter words so as to mimic the act of praying, then that prayer is a mere noise to God, that prayer becomes meaningless to God.
Our Father and Hail Mary are some of the best prayers we have. These are very special prayers because they come directly from God. The Our Father was composed by Jesus Christ Himself. When the apostles asked our Lord to teach them how to pray because they saw how fervent He prays, this was what our Lord taught them. That prayer is somehow complete in its ingredients. It tells us how to approach God properly: to call Him intimately as our father and not as our majesty, the King. It teaches us to ask for what is most important and basic to our needs: the needs of our soul and our physical health. The Hail Mary is a beautiful praise for our Mother which was derived from the bible. Those words are praises coming from Angel Gabriel and from her cousin Elizabeth. After praising and honoring her, we ask her to continuously pray for us till the hour of our death that we may be brought to heaven too just like her. God is very much pleased if we pray these prayers sincerely with our hearts.
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